Living with someone you love who has an addiction is one of the hardest things one can endure. The main focus is not of the care we have for ourselves, but the care of how we can help the person with the addictions. Sometimes even losing site of others, siblings or children that need you more than the person going through the addiction.
You reach out for every thought that comes to mind to “fix” this. Possibly talks to help enlighten the addiction, counseling therapy, or even family intervention among any other ideas that may make sense of this.
We may start with saying things such as, “they will figure it out soon and see that it is not helping them nor the ones who love to be around them.” Time goes by and you notice that the addiction is still there, wondering why they do not see its damage being brought on. So, you might start to mention at random, almost like a whisper in the addicted persons ear…. “You are scaring me.”
As time goes on, you still see no change almost as if it is getting worse. So, you start making demands. “This is not good, you are hurting yourself and you need to figure something out because it is hard to watch.”
Then possibly for a bit, you notice a significant change in a good way. Almost as if they heard you. They seem to feel more present and somewhat happy to be with you. Randomly finding things to do together for fun. Sharing moments of laughter and random hugs. But of course, they will still need “their time” when you are all done with taking them away from what they really want to do. Soon to realize that they are putting on a façade… showing you just enough of good when you are together to seem like they have battled their addiction.
Again, you find more strength in yourself, that you feel like you will continue to help them. They deserve this right?! They need your help, and you love them, so it is your place to take this on and help “fix” them. They clearly need you! This may go on for weeks, months, or possibly even years
Until one day you finally put your foot down. Only to whisper again, but new words “you are hurting me”.
You hope that you are heard. You hope that you matter. You hope that you are more important than the addiction/s that has them so grossly captive. Deep down you do not believe you are, but still, you hope.
Time passes again. Days, weeks, months…. Years. You say it again, “you are hurting me.” This time you say it a bit louder. Thinking maybe he/she did not hear your whisper before. Again, you wait…. hoping.
For those that are blessed, it takes time, but you are finally heard. Your prayers are answered, and deep healing begins with everyone involved. It is and will always be a hard road, but nonetheless you make it through, and a new life begins.
Then there are some, who decide as the “victim” of your addiction, they will no longer allow you to destroy not only your own life, but theirs as well. This is most always a difficult choice for everyone involved, but addictions that have a grip so tight, are never about making sure you are happy… or that anyone is happy for that matter. When someone leaves, it means that they are able to make their own choices now. That choice may hurt them, or it may help them. But it is their choice and either way the possibilities are endless.
Sadly, we all have to keep in mind just what this addiction can truly mean. If it is food, do they die of obesity? If it is drugs, do they die of carelessness and are murdered or that their health finally gives way? If its alcohol, God forbid that they take another man, woman, or child’s life because of the recklessness that it brings to the addicted.
There are so many possibilities of addictions in our world. None of them of which are about the “victims” they often take on. It is most always about the one who has embraced the addiction. To understand why these things, have such a grip to your life, is one the hardest things to do since as we all know… self-care is never easy. It’s always easier to help those around us
Addiction
What is an addiction? We all use the word freely in our daily lives, usually in a humorous or lighthearted context. We say we are “addicted” to a particularly delicious food, or a gripping TV series, when what we really mean is that we enjoy it very much, it makes us feel good and we look forward to indulging our passion for it.
True addiction is vastly different. It is destructive and seductive. It rarely delivers the good feelings we desire, and it often delivers destruction, ill health, and misery. Addiction is associated with either a substance or a behavior that gains priority in our lives, to the exclusion of all else. If the addiction is to a substance, legal or otherwise, the need to obtain the substance overrides common sense, financial considerations, and consequences to our health. Very often the victim of addiction is given much more attention than the people around them, especially when it comes to treatment or intervention. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be close to a person who is an addict you will know that the effects of their condition have a significant impact on your health, life, and well-being.
How Do You Fix an Addiction in Someone Else?
The short answer to this question is that you can’t. You can take steps to address your own issues and addictions, if you want to, but you simply cannot fix someone else.
The consequences of living with an addict can be truly catastrophic. Before you get to the point of realization that you are helpless in the face of someone else’s addiction you will probably have to endure the torment of false hope, exhausting and time-consuming treatments, even the possibility of financial ruin. If this sounds melodramatic, I want to let you know that I have been there, and I know firsthand the utter misery that results from trying to care for an addict.
The Real Consequences of Addiction
When you love and care for someone you automatically put their needs and happiness before your own. In the case of child rearing this is evolutionary sound practice, and the rewards are great. When you bring up a child, to the best of your ability, you can enjoy the satisfaction of seeing them grow develop and blossom as a result of your loving care. All too soon, it seems, they no longer need you! To put it bluntly, your job is done, (well, almost) and you can take time for yourself once more.
When the person in need of care is an addict, unfortunately the opposite is true. Their conscience seems to become non-existent, and they will do anything to keep you in thrall to their addiction so that you continue to enable them in their behavior. This sounds harsh, and it is! The reality of trying to manage an addict’s life leads to self-neglect, and the neglect of others who may have a legitimate claim on your love and time.
An addict is also manipulative and deceitful. The addiction seems to take on an existence of its own, and the person you once knew all but disappears as the addiction lays down the rules and controls the environment with ruthless and unrelenting efficiency. You can be left feeling that it is actually you who are at fault. That if you tried harder, you could fix this. That you cannot walk away and leave them to it… because how would you feel if they harmed themselves or others? How would you feel if their addiction led to a jail sentence? If they took the life of another human being through their addicted, reckless behavior? You say to yourself that you would never forgive yourself, and so you stay stuck in the nightmarish dance around the addict and their addiction.
Self-Care is Vital
This is the point at which I want to switch from the negatives to the solution, for you, not necessarily for the addict in your life. If any of the above harrowing descriptions hold even a grain of truth for you, it is time to take action. The truth is that, for most of us, taking care of others is easier than taking care of ourselves. It begins with a choice. You have a choice, whether to stay or to go. Your addicted loved one also has a choice. To take steps to address the addiction or to continue, without you, on their present course. Be in no doubt about this, it is hard! You will continue to worry that your loved one will come to harm. You will also wonder if you will ever be at peace with your decision, and if you will ever be happy again.
I want to reassure you that, hard though it is, deciding to let go of your “responsibility” for another person’s behavior is the healthiest outcome for everyone. Once you have made the choice and the decision it is time to turn all your energies towards healing yourself and becoming whole once more.
Reiki and Recovery
I speak from experience when I say that you will survive this process, and what is more you will also thrive! The power of the benevolent healing energies of the Universe knows no bounds. Once you open yourself to receiving these healing vibrations your mind, body and spirit has room to breathe, to begin the miraculous process of self-healing from trauma and pain. The chances are that your physical health has been affected by your emotional distress, so it is important to lavish as much care as you possibly can on your physical body. Rest, rest, and rest some more! Eat nutritious foods, drink plenty of water and take calming, gentle exercise regularly. This will build up your physical reserves and enable you to do the necessary internal work to repair your emotional and mental bodies.
Take every opportunity to access the healing energies around you. Set a side time each day to meditate and to ask for healing from the cosmos. Take time to experience Reiki sessions, either in person or remotely, and drink in the loving energies that are just waiting for you to accept them into your heart, mind, and body.
One more thing. When you speak to yourself, either aloud or in your head, always use kind, compassionate words. Give yourself the loving kindness you deserve, and express gratitude that you are alive, that you are whole once more, and that the experience you have been through has given you some valuable lessons, for this life and for the next leg of your soul’s journey.
Namaste.